Happy 52nd Birthday to Me!
G got me a pretty new bauble. Actually he got it a while ago, and I knew about it, because he doesn't drive and can no longer manage his money without help. But still, it was his choice and his intention, and I merely acted as both facilitator and recipient..... probably tricky ground that. But life is what it is and we make the best of it.
I am in the sewing room today. Not entirely sewing, as we had a rather fraught and frazzled week. I find myself squeezed for time between the parting of last week's guests and the arrival of the new crop on Wednesday. But there will be progress on creative pursuits, not merely necessary tasks.
Once upon a time it seemed to be so easy to say something self-centered like "it is my birthday and I want to sew all day". And it would be so. But I have only recently come to accept that my life now doesn't work this way. It isn't that I don't want the time; but by focusing on my want, I set myself up for frustration and it is not a pretty sight. It isn't that G doesn't want me to pursue my own interests, but that the thought "Mardel sewing" gets stuck in his brain like a broken record, actually causing him to focus more on me than if I just seize those quite moments for myself whenever they occur. I never asked to be a caregiver, I suppose few of us do, but fighting it only causes more grief. G's memory and hold on the progression of time is highly variable; sometimes good, sometimes caught in an endless cycle of confusion where he doesn't remember what happened a few minutes ago, a few days ago, or if it has happened at all -- the thought is all that exists, in the moment, at that moment, to the exclusion of all else, past, present or future.
And so my goal for this, my 53rd year, is to learn to better appreciate the small moments and make use of them, to let creativity flow when the moment occurs rather than thinking I must set aside a time and a place. Already I am seeing progress rather than frustration.
Ohhh, I'm sorry I missed your birthday!! Hope you had a wonderful day!
Posted by: Tany | July 31, 2010 at 07:52 AM
Happy Birthday!! What a gorgeous ring! I love the style.
I understand your situation so well - I am struggling with a similar one now, but my husband will only be 40 in August and we have young children. It is so difficult to juggle the many roles. For me, the one that I must consider the most is making sure our children are protected and getting as normal a life as possible. I feel an overwhelming need to make SOME time for ME, though!
Posted by: Kathi | July 16, 2010 at 10:34 PM
Moved by your post, your honesty. Few choose caregiving, and at the same time, we accept the possibility (which I think most of us consider remote) when we make vows. (Or some of us do, I know someone who decided she could not do it.)
We are both July birthdays.Wishing you a year of equanimity. Your ring is beautiful and so "you". I'm late on this post but wanted to add my wishes.
Posted by: Duchesse | July 15, 2010 at 04:45 PM
What a beautiful gift. Happy belated and know that you are doing a great job managing the (considerable) challenges of care giving. I don't pretend to know what that's like, but I'm sure it is much more difficult than you, with your gracefulness, make it seem.
Posted by: K-Line | July 09, 2010 at 12:21 AM
Happy Birthday, squeeze in those moments when you can. Caregiving is tough. I let DH sleep late on the weekends so I can have some time to myself. This helps to restore my energy and helps keep life in focus.
Posted by: Towanda | July 05, 2010 at 07:18 PM
Happy birthday! Hope you do get time to do what you want to do. Finding new ways to do it seems to be the trick.
Posted by: vicki | July 05, 2010 at 05:24 PM
Hope you can slip in all the time you personally need in the coming year.
Posted by: Mary Beth | July 05, 2010 at 01:52 PM
Happy Birthday and what a gorgeous ring!
I hear you loud and clear on the caregiver situation. Mine is easier, but still not something I asked for nor expected. We do the best we can and as long as we can get some personal time, we'll be OK.
Posted by: BetsyV | July 05, 2010 at 12:27 PM
I don't believe that wanting to sew all day would be self centered - more like fun and a form of self care. That said, life being what life is the things that we want aren't always possible. Coming to accept that can be a bunch of work and then finding a way to re-shape the vision even more. Acceptance has its stages. You're making tremendous progress. I wish for many happy moments for you today, for success in whatever time you get to sew, and for an increasingly fabulous year. Happy Birthday.
Posted by: Myrna | July 05, 2010 at 10:37 AM